I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery. ~Brennan Manning
Evil loves to pound its feet on the streets. It loves to be so loud. It loves to mock You. please don’t let me join the chorus. Let me keep loving You. Please let my words be cheers for You. Please let me keep walking toward You as I walk with You and in You.
Maybe it will never stop being like this, the battle to remain true and not want to wander to find just a little more or a little easier or maybe even a little more faithful. Maybe it will always be like this, with life selling You as an irregular or obsolete model or missing pieces. Maybe there will always be days I simply want to say, “Screw it and screw You – You’re a disappointment.”
But You know that, don’t You. And You keep holding on. You keep bringing me back to face You. You keep lifting up my head to see You. You’ve known it all along. You’ve known it wouldn’t be easy. You’ve known the days. And You know me even when I’m not sure I want to know You anymore.
Forgive me for allowing my eyes to move to the road rather than the journey of following You. You say You’re the lifter of my head – lift it now. Help me to keep my head up. Please.
Please don’t let go.
“You’ve got such faith.” When folks say those words, I’m not sure whether to laugh or crawl in a hole – because my faith feels so much more like water washing up on shore and disappearing into sand. But God remains faithful to forgive and faithful to stay. And He doesn’t seem to mind when I tell Him I’m weary of the walk. Maybe you never struggle or question. But maybe you’re like me. If you are, know right now that I’m praying for you (and I’d love to hear from you).
Last year, I shared the stories about pictures I’ve taken. This year during the month of October, I’m opening up my journal and sharing prayers. They’re not eloquent or poetic – they’re simple honest talks with God. Some prayers are joyful and some are screams. Some are said in the morning and some at night. It’s my hope the words might help someone else find the words.